He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
