I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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