She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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