He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
