Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️