I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Randomize
