Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
