There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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