Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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