I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
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He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
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Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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