I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
