My cat gives me a boner
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
