Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
