worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
