I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
