I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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