I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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