walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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