The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
