all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
