My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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