If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
