He had one of those small greek statue penises
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
