So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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