I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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