don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Bring me that man meat
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
