I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
3 2 1 whiskey
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
