Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the condom got lost in my hair
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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