You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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