I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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