How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
