my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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