i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
