"it" just moved
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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