just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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