I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
