I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
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Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
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Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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