I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It's shark week go big or go home
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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