She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
