Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
where are my eyebrows?
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