I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
