I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
