I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
soo... how was my night?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
