Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
