I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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