My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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