Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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