The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
