just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
