I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
