You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
