No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
