all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
