Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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