she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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