I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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