I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
